Category: Uncategorized

sometimes even failures open doors

My heart hurts today; it’s been hard to stay focused on the present tasks at hand. How can I edit a love story when lovers are bound to ancient demands, barely glimpsing each other across a field of torment? How dare I wash and fold my clothes when shirts and pants are shredded by passions exploding with rage?

I did my tasks. I held my place in the world and all the while tried to hold a small piece of a place far from me and people I don’t know as my heart burned and tears flowed down my face.

Each of us needs to be the prayer and you don’t have to believe in anyone’s special god. You simply need to care, to value every life, to choose love and send that out into the world in whatever way you can.

Please, be the prayer today. And tomorrow.

Moon has risen; I feel her pull before she rises in the sky. Heart strings stretched by unseen hand open the hollow chamber, echoing their need. Casting aimlessly, my thoughts toward those I think might stroke those chords. Surprised when the answer does not come from you. The one who needed me was not the one I need.

The sky blushed pink this morning as I thought of you, wanting to share intimate connection, to touch, to know that most precious awareness, the absence of walls.

There is great value in taking time

to find the feelings and name them, to consider the dark and cloudy glass, to listen to friends who remind me that I’m in charge of my own life, to work, to play, to let the peat float in the murky bog

How much time do I get?

Unexpected. The email sucked the air from my lungs in one long exhale that has not yet ended.

Immobile. What do I do with this?

The woman who is biologically my maternal parent. That one. After fifty-two years, I finally dredge up the courage, the self-love, the compassionate words to speak my truth. At least a start of it. I finally tell her that I’m choosing myself over her and that I don’t want to play her reindeer games. I finally tell her no.

I expect a door slammed in my face like so many times before. I expect glares and iciness and yelling. I expect retaliation.

Unexpected. An open door. Honest words. Acknowledgement if not understanding. An offer of help.

What do I do with this? I am not prepared.

Note to self: never go two months without seeing those people who lift you and hold you up. Never do that again! Life is good now that I’ve spent time with the right people.

I sat with the moon last night and I’ll sit with her again in another twelve hours or so. I thought about celebrating change, about recent choices I’ve made and how they affect my life. The more I thought about change, the more I realized that everything feels the same. The external shifts as I grow more comfortable in my own skin. As if in the scenes of a play, my costume and face evolve and the supporting characters enter left and exit right. And yet, nothing has changed. The earth is still the stage upon which I move and live and breathe, learning the role of my life. The moon still hangs in the same sky and counsels me with silence. I still sit alone beneath that moon and bare my soul as I have done since I could walk. Everything and nothing has changed.

It’s messy up in here today. My mind is bouncing around with thoughts of gender and how it’s been defined over the centuries and how someone who today identifies as trans would have defined themselves a hundred years ago. Thoughts of parthenogenesis and FTM’s who carry pregnancies. Thoughts of eugenics and who gets to decide what genes are good to keep. Thoughts of Patriots and how that word is used and abused. And what if we could design a species that required no gender and knew no hate. Would that be a good thing or not?