I stare at the curves, the bumps, the shape of your ear. I study the ridge that funnels the sound, and I wonder…If I poured myself into that pool, let my feelings drip down to vibrate the skin of your drum, would you hear me then? Would you feel what I feel?

Bright winter sun tricked me into shedding my layers

Throwing open the window to let in the breeze

For a moment of safety, of peace, of joy?

A moment

Before sheets of rain thrashed in the wind

The steady challenges returning

Saturation demanding to be felt

Thrashing against life

I see you

I wasn’t allowed

I embraced the charred trunk, still standing five years after fire ravaged the mountain and closed the trails. Weeds and scrub oak up to my waist were claiming the barren ground. She cried, I felt her pain, heard her anguished cry in my veins as the fire boiled the sap in hers. She was not gone, still there, roots reaching deep into the earth drawing nutrients up where baby roots of new brush could feed; embracing me, humbling me, reminding me that life never ends. Our connections remain as long as we are willing to hold them. Past lives, memories, treasured loves who have passed through the gates, and those who remain to keep feeding the rest.

Good morning world. Good morning sun and sky, earth and water, trees and critters who share this planet with me. Good morning me. I sat here this morning, trying to focus, trying to find my center amid the cacophony of voices I want to answer, the myriad of needs I want to meet. And I remembered. I remembered the most important thing I learned in the past few years, the most important thing I ever learned. The first voice I need to answer, the first need I must meet, is my own heart’s cry for self love. Only when I value myself and honor myself, do I gain the compassion, the power, the peace, the joy, to be able to love others. Only then do I draw more love into my life. Where once those words were a vague concept that sounded nice, but was probably trite, they’ve become living truth in my world. Loving myself gave me the courage to pursue a new passion, to learn a new skill. That passion opened the doors to new friends, with bright energy and a new direction for my life. I enjoyed a year or two of living with myself, with joy. Such a pure and simple concept that had been foreign to me. Walking my new path brought me to the edge of a new life and a new love. Hand in hand, we stepped over that edge and found the healthiest and most nurturing love either of us has ever known. We walk toward our future together, but the most important lesson remains. To love T, to love our family in two countries and multiple time zones, I must first love me. I can never stop listening to my own heart’s cry for self love. It all begins there. Good morning world. Good morning T. Good morning me.

grains of sanity
slip out with the past
memory
abandons carved home
only stark white truth
remains
pain bleached, smooth, and pure
it beckons to life
to you
to lift and to hold
caress it’s surface
and feel

The roller coaster churns me up, down, and around. Thrilling. Devastating. Exhausting. Up, down, around, and back again, three weeks of chaos, a month of turmoil. Finally, tonight is quiet, and I don’t know how to behave. Stillness calls. Trying to listen. Whether I have a moment or an hour, don’t let me waste this precious gift. Light the incense, close my eyes, sit within the circle. Be.

Innocence should not have to suffer
pay the price for no one sinned
The guilt belongs to those of us
unscathed by fate’s harsh blows
To watch with impotence
the agony of the stricken
The price we pay
to keep on living

To listen is the greatest gift
more powerful than love.
To listen is to give you value
beyond the mere image
that love can create.